Insanity

Muslims deny Holocaust

2007-04-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

According to top government education officials most schools in the UK are purposely no longer educating children about the Holocaust when covering the second world war.At first most people might believe the reason for this action is because the topic is too harrowing (much like the teaching of terrorists in American schools which has been linked to chronic bed wetting and premature balding in American children). The real reasons behind the exclusion of it from lessons stems from the fact they do not want to offend Holocaust denying Arabs.

Recent studies into 'controversial history topics' by the Department of Education in primary and secondary schools seem to back this assumption. For people across the water who might be confused to what primary and secondary schools are they are the equivalent of grade one to eleven and students ages range from five to forty.

A primary school teacher who spoke out but wished to remain anonymous moaned, 'I used to teach with accuracy what the Holocaust is but I gave up last year after a boy aged six charged at me while screaming in Arabic and then tried to detonate himself using a pen.' Shortly after speaking to us this unnamed teacher was rumoured to be involved in an accident which involved a twenty foot extention cord and a large machete.

Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident, teachers all over the UK have complained of similar experiences and have had to either completely censor or dramatically warp their lessons to suit Muslims audiences.

Living in a multicultural and open minded society such as the UK there is always room for another side of the story and acceptable opinion no matter how delusional it might be.

Abdul Al Ghafur President of the infamous organisation 'Muslims against Historical Accuracies' (MAHA) sat down with us and insisted that the threats against teachers was just standard Muslim procedures in protest of the Wests typical Jewish bias. 'The issue is very simple, we are offended by the belief that the Holocaust actually happened. I mean Adolf Hitler? Everyone knows that guy was created by Hollywood. I'll do you a deal if you can prove to me that an Adolf Hitler existed I'll go out and divorce my three year old wife, thats how ludicrous the situation is, I'd laugh but the Holy Prophet Mohammed forbids laughter.'

The Iranian President Mahoud Ahmdinjad yesterday in a news conference slammed western beliefs and handed his support to British muslims over the Holocaust denial. 'The Holocaust is sick Jewish propaganda. These are the same backwards Western infidels who believe that the earth is actually round and woman don't deserve senseless beatings for blinking without a mans permission.'

Opinions on the controversy differ yet some individuals are not interested who believes what only promoting others feelings and upholding sensitivity on the issue. Dora matt from a teachers union called 'Fellowship of All Groups' (FAG) was keen to tell us that regardless of what teachers do or do not teach they must strive to avoid offending anyone. 'By simply evading such offensive and controversial topics we are able to spare peoples feelings an no conflict is created. Political correctness is an adequate solutions to cure all of societies problems. Anyone who disagrees is an ignorant, barbaric, intolerable and brutish Islamophobe.'

Discrimination against Muslims

2007-04-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

More controversy has erupted from Heathrow, as a group of Muslims were not allowed to board an international flight because they were late. Quintessential as Muslims are prone to, they pinned the thoughts on why they were kept off the flight down to religious discrimination."I'm so angry with British Airways. This discrimination is so obvious it makes me want to cut the heads off these air hostess infidels!" Stammered a raging Abu Al Bakr who was one of the grounded passengers who missed Flight 8751, which was destined for New York.

Although Muslims and Muslim organisations all over the world are crying foul, top British Airways officials insist that they were just following general procedures with passengers who arrive late. One who we spoke to wished to remain anonymous."It's a very simple matter I tell you. All passengers of major international flights must check in one hour before takeoff. These Muslim jokers turned up, like, 40 minutes late and demanded to be let on the plane. Even when we pointed out several drunken Japanese businessmen who had missed their flight for the same reason they screamed discrimination and went baboon crazy.

Due to the constant bombardment of pressure on the British Government over the past 24 hours from Muslim groups such as CMIR (Crazy Muslims Incite Riots) Tony Blair has issued an official apology to the Muslim community and BA has caved into Islamic demands. CMIR founder Cabd al- Majiid is very encouraged by this victory and is urging Muslims all over the globe to fight such discrimination.

Needless to say, Muslims all over the world are now fighting against such blatant discrimination.

In Leeds, Yorkshire, Abdu Al Hibjad sued a Mac Donald's for discrimination because employees refused to serve him breakfast at 2.56am. The Old Bailey awarded Mr Hibjad 2.7 million pounds Sterling. When the judge asked him what he was planning to do with his winnings he stood up and claimed in court, "I'm going to flight school!".

A group of Kurdish Muslims in North London are suing BNQ because as they attempted to enter one of their stores well past midnight the locked doors prevented them from entering."All the lights were off when we go there and the doors locked. It's obvious the managers saw us coming and ordered his minions to lock the doors and switch the lights off. All we wanted was a few kilos of fertiliser, a gallon of petrol and some propane but those racist biggots stopped us. Thank Allah for the British Justice system."

All over the country and the world the Muslims are now relentlessly (and angrily) fighting discrimination no matter how invisible it is. From the Muslim living in Newcastle who is suing his boss for not giving him more breaks to pray to the Muslim in Bolton who us suing his TV cable provider for charging him for the pay-per-view porn channel.

Proof women are easy with a bit of power and wealth

2007-01-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

Kulap says: hi 21 f Thailand here

Lord Misanthrope says: Greetings peasant

Kulap says: urs pls is?

Lord Misanthrope says: I'm currently looking for a wife from Thailand

Kulap says: relly?

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes I am sweet dear.

Kulap says: wht is a lord?

Lord Misanthrope says: A Lord is an individual who has been granted with power, wealth and land by the King of England. I'm a proud owner of over 150 loyal slaves and 56 hookers.
Kulap says: how old r u?

Lord Misanthrope says: 67

Kulap says: am only 21 but age dunt matter for me

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes, and you are seeking a husband?

Kulap says: yup

Kulap says: wo r caring, loyal, respectf an willin to support me an my family thru hard times

Lord Misanthrope says: How convenient!

Lord Misanthrope says: Support in what way, peasant?

Kulap says: I come frm a poor family

Lord Misanthrope says: My ancestors fought side by side with the Tudors during the War of The Roses (1455). My great ancestor Lord Protector James III mobilised his army and defeated the Duke of Somerset at the battle of St Albans despite the fact he was outnumbered 15-1. Since that day the monarch has been in debt to his services and our family has been blessed with grandiose and riches from the tax payers.

Kulap says: watttt????

Kulap says: my English no so good1!!!

Kulap says: but u do don't mind my age?

Lord Misanthrope says: 21 is a commendable age, my last wife was 16.

Kulap says: U not with her??

Lord Misanthrope says: No, she was a terrible wife.

Lord Misanthrope says: She wouldn't even swallow.

Kulap says: am single

Lord Misanthrope says: Do you wish to marry me?

Kulap says: yes do u av a picc or cam

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes it's on my profile now.

Lord Misanthrope says: Excuse the female next to me there, thank god I executed her, damn she was fat.

Kulap says: ooooo am looking u r so hand/sme

Lord Misanthrope says: Indeed I am.

Kulap says: cutie

Lord Misanthrope says: Although admittedly I have this terrible scabbing condition which leaves a disgusting puss filled crust over a large portion of my wrinkly body, if you are to be my wife you'll have to file it off every morning.

Kulap says: wht???? Wht tme is it there now?

Lord Misanthrope says: its 4 pm

Kulap says: I am 10 hours ahead!

Lord Misanthrope says: Very well. And how much specifically does your spear throwing family require to elevate themselves out of the poverty line?

Kulap says: whtt????

Lord Misanthrope says: How much money does your family need?

Kulap says: nonono nooooo If I am to marry I want to support them, I will give then all ther needs and wants

Lord Misanthrope says: Work in what capacity? I do not understand peasant.

Kulap says: any just to find and have moiney

Lord Misanthrope says: Are you saying that you wouldn't be needing my financial muscle to help your family?

Kulap says: if we r getting married I only hpe for ur help

Lord Misanthrope says: Nobility is truly an attractive trait. I would like to proceed with this transaction, when can we wed?

Kulap says: wed what is tht

Lord Misanthrope says: Wedding, i.e- getting married

Kulap says: I want to finish my studies here… byt next year I would of finish

Lord Misanthrope says: I would prefer a quicker wedding.

Kulap says: wen?

Lord Misanthrope says: I am an owner of several large castles, I choose castle Dunnottar in North East Scotland for our wedding location, it will be more than suitable. I would of chosen Cowney castle but unfortunately I believe it to be plague infested at the moment.

Kulap says: my parents would want to go

Lord Misanthrope says: That is fine, but do they know how to act in social situations around the Queen and Tony Blair?

Kulap says: I wish for a small wedding

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes but I have many personal friends who would want to attend such as David Beckham, Tom Cruise, Madonna, George Bush and Gary Glitter.

Kulap says: G Bush??????????????

Kulap says: president of US????

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes I know his father, I did a few "backhand" business deals with him in the first Gulf war.

Kulap says: oo icc

Kulap says: im so shy

Kulap says: I am onlya poor girl...

Lord Misanthrope says: It's ok I will protect you, I'm a powerful and rich man.

Kulap says: thanks

Lord Misanthrope says: Will you get your father to organise the stag night?

Kulap says: stag?????

Lord Misanthrope says: A stag night is where all the old chaps get together and go out for the last time – you know – drinking, drugs and Asian prostitutes.

Kulap says: ok I see, my englishp oor

Lord Misanthrope says: that isn't a problem my peasant wife. I must go now. Bye

Kulap says: wait do u want t c me on cam

Kulap says: I do dirty :)

Lord Misanthrope says: I will be back in 15 minutes to cyber mount you

People at the shops (part II)

2007-01-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

I've previously said that my life would be so much more interesting if I had Super powers that would make peoples heart explode by telekinetic thoughts and so much more interesting if I could make alcohol appear out of air.

I'd like to add that making people catch on fire would be a desirable ability too. Instead of waiting in the line for a considerable amount of time and ending up punching some illegal immigrant in front of me could simply set him on fire and move to the front of the store, no hassle. Every day would be like fucking Christmas.

I can think of around 43 times that I'd of used my super powers today alone. I'd kill so many people in my lifetime that pissed me off that evil Communist dictators like Stalin would look like complete failures.

While waiting in the line to buy copious amounts of alcohol this stinking old lady was in the line behind me. When I say behind me I actually mean basically on top of me. She was so close to me one could of thought I was participating in a scene from BentRent boys.

I politely said, "You wrinkly bastard, do you really think your going to get to till any quicker with your fingers up my ass?"

The decrepit old fucker didn't say anything, she just stood there breathing at me in an old person way and failed to acknowledge my existence, I doubt she even heard me.

At this point I began to wonder why the line was moving slower than Bush's brain.

Some old lady in front of me seemed to be fucking about. It was difficult to tell what she was doing exactly but it seemed as if she had lost something in her bag, probably free cat food coupons. I predicted that because It is common knowledge that 78% of old people are forced to live off Cat Food because they have lost their entire life savings due to their complete naivety in telecom scams.

You morons better not assume my anger was completely undivided, there was a little kid who annoyed me, he deserved a brain tumour. The little shit was one of about sixteen of Mohammed and Asia's brood of illegal refugee children, all of them probably from some Asian country I've never heard of which is run by some Authoritarian prick of Dictator.

This future criminal, no older than about five purposely knocked over a large Christmas display so the only employee on the till would have to clean it up, while she was distracted he ran out of the shop with a handful of sweets. (This is obviously linked to those fuckers stealing crap out of our bins)A few minutes later he returned with his mother who dragged him into the shop and tried to make him apologise. He didn't obviously; the most likely reason is that he didn't know any English. At first I thought of setting him on fire, then I decided to drop kick him into an oncoming car.

Blairs 'revolutionary' environmental plan

2006-12-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

After last weeks harsh criticism of Gordon Brown by the conservatives stemming from the government ditching of the 'Green tax' option in the Commons, Tony Blair yesterday announced a new package of ideas designed to make our society more environmentally friendly.

Mr Blair was keen to show off his newly found green roots to our news reporter, 'You see to help slow global warming we don't necessarily need to answer the problem of growing pollution levels' said a very convinced looking Prime Minister, 'All we have to do is convince everyone in this country to drink 10 Gallons of water a day to help combat rising sea levels. Everyone wins, we won't need to tax you (the public) and having no regulations will mean no unfair burdens on business'

Mr Blair's comments have invoked positive replies from most major tabloid newspapers who have for years condemned the cold and wet British weather and would prefer a more 'moderate' and 'attractive' climate.

Rupert Murdock's 'The Sun' have started their own front page campaign entitled "MAKE IT HAPPEN FASTER' they encourage the public to 'Drive as much as possible' and 'use use aerosol spray cans unnecessarily' they also commented that the Guardian's reaction was 'ridiculous' and branded them 'typical left wing ice berg huggers with little substance'.

The News of the world concludes that these are 'revolutionary ideas' and that 'millions of Brits will no longer have to flock to France for a decent Holiday'. Traditionally China has ignored plans to install any type of environmental regulations on their country but even they seem to see the sense in Mr Blair's logic.

Rumours are surfacing that Chinese authorities are planning to commit themselves in creating 10 million new acres of rice paddy fields which to release methane gas into the atmosphere to help destroy the Ozone layer to see the positive effects of global warming.

I hate Christmas

2006-12-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

And as it dawns nearer I'm getting more pissed off.

Christmas used to bring religious connotations, is in its roots a religious day.

Traditionally it was once a time of peasants seeing the light to thaw the mid winter snow, they were drug and alcohol strewn, hammered celebrations, great times. No worries.

These days? Business is always seeing an opportunity of course!

Nowadays its turned into a vile and disgusting celebration of capitalism as the shops go into super-hyper drive and the guilt trip is thrown onto every weary parents shoulder as too broke and low income families are forced to buy shite presents for shrieking greedy and expecting kids, buying rubbish grotesque bits of plastic to be discarded by January 4th as they saunter out of fashion again seeking the latest... all in the name of.....

Christmas.... the time when nearly half of all yearly sales are made within 2 months in the UK. Astronomical sums.

"It's the thought what counts" people mutter through bitter and gritted teeth and they push their over full trolleys past massive crowds of stressed out lovers of Christmas.

Oh yes! and there is all the other traditions, a tree lasciviously decorated from top to bottom with tinsel, paying some bearded fat bastard so your kid can sit on his knee and sending hundreds of cards to people who you cannot stand just so they think you "Haven't forgotten about them" on this wonderful time of the year.

Coin in! Coin in! Coin it in with everyone's hideous guilt trip while being encouraged manically by the media.

It's tradition... you must join in!

Christianity sold itself out to the new religion - Consumer Capitalism.

Create a great story, create a day then change it's meaning so everyone at Christmas doesn't feel bad if they spend of their hard earned cash.

Christmas has gone from this-

To this-

Why Misanthropy?

2006-10-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

Misanthropy is the part of me that hates humans.

Misanthropes do not single out any specific persons just people in general. The Misanthrope is evoked when the inherent and bottomless selfishness of people becomes apparent: we as an animal are not concerned about anything that happens beyond our circle of safety, yet we claim we are superior, less primitive and different (or an apparent a miracle if you ask religious nuts) to other species on the planet, and are thus are ultimately too ignorant and stupid to be allowed to live any longer.

The Misanthrope would happily eradicate all traces of humans from this world, for he is certain that when people are left to their own devices, the insanity and the greed of the human race will eventually systematically destroy all other species on this planet including the planet itself. Thus, the Misanthrope sees the humans as a parasitic disease - a cancer that must be operated before the host dies.

The Gay Metal Scene!

2006-10-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Formed in the late 70's in the industrial town of Gurlitz located in Eastern Germany, Sperm Kan Die burst onto the Gay Metal scene with unrivalled mediocrity. With the eventual death of Communism in Germany and the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, Sperm Kan Die was able to explore the world and export their unique creation of Gay Metal.

Sperm Kan Die are legendary on stage for their hardcore guitar riffs, prolific use of bells on stage and outrageously silly costumes. In 2001 after their release of album "Reinventing Pink" they appeared on stages descending out of a giant anus while touring the UK.

This year Sperm Kan Die signed a record deal with BrownStar record labels for an undisclosed fee, rumours are surfacing that they are now the highest earning Gay Metal band in the Fatherland.

Their past albums include: "Close up and Gay with Elton john" (1978),"Eat Cock or Die" (1982), Dirt Box Diaries (1987), Enter Hole not Exit (1992), Tales of the Pillow Munching (1996), Reinventing Pink (2004), and their most recent hit single with Gary Glitter called "Up The Shitter" (2006).

They are now said to be living happily in Scotland.

People at the shops

2006-10-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

Since I've turned 18 (I'm in fact 19 now) I've been going to the local shops and super markets much more often that I used to since I can legally buy alcohol, I go say 2 or 3 times a day, it's very routine yet VERY infuriating.

A lot of shit what happens on these runs can irritate me. I usually attempt to avoid going to the store before 9 because there are less old people, in fact there is generally less people to piss me off in that short duration of time which I am in the shop.

I am guaranteed to be pissed off by some retard in every single visit.

Are you sure your 18 sir? Despite the fact I'm a regular at the shops and supermarkets I'm always getting I.D'ed by the same fucking idiots over and over again. It's not too much to expect someone to possess a half decent memory is it since they see me every day, possibly twice a day?

I get even more tumultuous due to the fact that they do not seem to have a very basic understanding of maths to be able to decipher my age from my I.D card. I remember showing my I.D to this one prat he looked at me very suspiciously and said, are you sure your 18?

What the fuck, I don't fucking know I'll check my I.D which is in your hand you fool. He said lets see, you were born in 1986 in decemeber... I'm 25 and was born in 1981 it's now 2006 ... that means you must be 17?

Why don't you get on with your fucking job properly and stop wasting 5 minutes of my already pointless existence? In fact if you look closely on my I.D it even says 18 in 2004, some of these geniuses were fucking baffled by this information on my I.D and still couldn't determine whether I was legally allowed to buy alcohol or not.

Sometimes these prats on the tills think it's a fake one and start bending it and shit or holding it really close to my face to get a better picture comparison. It's like being drilled by a pissed off depressed murder detective, like the ones you see on TV, you better be tell me the truth or ya in a worlda trouble young man or this is fake innit kid you betta be prayin to god if it is.... how about fuck off you stupid kunt, do your fucking worst I never got your child addicted to heroin in the first place that was your inadequacies as a parent so don't point accusations at someone else. If you ever speak to me like this again, I'll jump over the counter and head butt you several times.

An alcohol run should only take 2 minutes to complete successfully yet I could probably do a lengthy paper analysing political and sociological problems in this country before I manage to even walk out of the fucking shop buying some alcohol.

The store looks very desolate as I stride towards the building yet, as I step a single foot into the shop retards seem to flock the place.

Theres always that fucking moron with 63 different types of cat food she thinks what is on sale who wants a lengthy piece of advice from the staff for the dietary of her 13 cats(all individually I might add).

There is always the drooling kid who can't quite decide what pumpkin light or what balloons she wants for her ridiculous and inane party.

There is always the decrepit old fucker who is prepared write a cheque to pay for a single fucking stamp, she writes in incorrectly several times before being successful.

Theres always the fat, retarded sisters who are making loud rambling about whether to rent out Legally Blonde 2 or the Sex and the City season Dvd collection as well as arguing what types pies to shove down their fat gullets when they get home.

Theres always the army of Indians who flock the shops with their 12 sisters and 8 brothers who can't understand a fucking word what the cashier is saying because they are all illegal immigrants.

There is always the village idiots and trendy boys who come into the shop with their high and mighty, I'm better than any of you fuckers attitude, who complain about stupid issues to the staff which they can do nothing about.

Theres always only one fucking register open because the other lazy spotty teenage twats are too busy in the stock room sniffing glue and shooting themselves in the balls with the price guns.

After all this shit, the staff still look at me oddly as I open my bottle of vodka and start downing it while waiting in the line.

I fucking hate it when that bitch who's 23 year old who has had had 6 pregnancies already, who's been living off benefits her entire life decides to run over my foot with the fucking trolley and not apologise, infact she looks at me like it's my fucking fault. Look bitch, just because you do not possess the intelligence to maneuver a shopping cart properly doesn't mean that I'm not going to get very pissed off, flip over the cart and then kick fuck out of you so badly you won't be able to have any children ever again.

Dear God...

2006-10-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

While searching randomly on the internet (no I wasn't searching for kiddie porn before you ask) I found some letters created by children - who come from typical fundamental Christian homes in America - asking certain questions and saying certain things to "God".These people who created the letters are probably much smarter than myself but they obviously don't realise God doesn't actually exist. Since I'm the closest thing to God on this planet and they are expecting a reply I will reply to these poor kiddies the best I can.

Dear Dean,

Looking both ways will unfortunately achieve jack shit. You should be more worried about the terrorists from above and AIDs coming from behind. Since you are obviously going to be a faggot when you are older (I'm God I know everything ) your thoughts on "both ways" will rapidly change from being just visual once you hit puberty.

Yours sincerely God

Dear Jane,

I used to let people live a really long time (like in the old testament) but letting people live is boring, I'm not doing my job properly if I can't kill people. I like to thin out the population of silly little girls who ask inane questions.

Yours sincerely God

Dear Sam.

That person is not actually your real daddy. I will however bless you with that disgusting skin condition Uncle suffers from.

Yours sincerely God

Dear Chris,

Is that cat inbetween the words "to" and "live" purposely put there? My manifesto tells me that you shall become a famous child murderer and rapist, I'm impressed with your handwriting portion. You will not live 900 years, you will die in 30 years by being raped to death in a prison.

Yours sincerely God

Obviously he needs to start hitting her

2006-10-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm raging drunk again and I've seen an advert on TV which has pissed me off. It's one of the Uncle Ben's instant rice bag or some bullshit, either way I need to divert my undivided and unequaled hatred towards it.

It shows the chef in a very busy kitchen working like a Japanese prisoner of war, sweating, stressing, working, yelling and getting frustrated. He then finishes work and he's going home by subway I think I've momentarily forgotten due to intense alcoholism but it's not important. He looks really exhausted, obviously he's been working his arse off all day, he must want to go home and sleep like a baby. Well guess what, his lazy bitch of a wife won't allow that happen.

When he reaches his destination home he's in the kitchen again looking tired making some salmon fillets for her, he microwaves the bag and magically has some pilaf or whatever shite they have in the bags. Once he's finished making the meal he proceeds to the living room where his lazy fat bitch wife is, shes reclined on the sofa looking like shes just woken up covered by a blanket. What the fuck? Why couldn't she fucking make her husband something to eat after such an enduring day at work?! Is she some kind of drug addict who's smacked out of her head all day long?

This guy was working hard all day in a kitchen and his whore of a wife couldn't be arsed to make him some dinner? He obviously needs to start hitting her, woman are like old carpets they need beatings every once in a while to keep in order, thats what my father always used to say, and he always used to stay true to that word if my mother forgot to do that washing or didn't have dinner ready by the time he had got home from a tough day at work, he'd always stamp on her head several times and head butt her to help knock some sense into the bitch.

I mean what do you think this useless wife gets up to all day? Watching the home shopping network all day spending all of her husbands hard earned cash probably.

Something is definitely wrong here.

Here some advice of what this guy should do. The only reason why anyone would want to own such a creature is to stop the beers from getting warm, so make her do that.

Husband: Hi honey I'm home... what a crap day at work, Marie-Jacques the dirty dish washer managed to ruin my curry! French bastard... thought he could put out a grease fire with just water! God I'm hungry, whats for dinner?

Wife: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........snore......snort........

Husband: You fucking bitch! she's gone into the spirits cabinet again! My mates were correct, I never should have married the useless slut. WAKE UP SLUT

Wife: Wah! ...huh... *yawn* oh hi dear, you home?

Husband: Damn it you bitch, wheres my dinner?

Wife: You know where the kitchen is, why are you asking me?

Husband: Right thats it fuck you -slaps the shit out of her and head butts her- now, where the fuck is my dinner?

Wife: Booo hooo sob sob what do you want to eat?

Husband: Make me Roast Loin of Venison with Cranberries and plenty of mashed potatoes bitch, and grab me a fucking beer. And it would fukin help if you cleaned up this place once every while. Wipe those shit stains off the carpet now bitch or you'll be doing it with your tongue a little later on.

Wife: I...I'll get right on it.

Husband: Fucking better do whore!

See. That's how you handle that sort of thing. Simple and straight forward.

The Pope Vs Islam continued!!!

2006-09-22T03:58:00.000-07:00

The pope in his silly hat quoted a dead king, this quote can be deemed as highly offensive, rude and atleast historically accurate. Muslims all over the world seem to be getting angier and angier for no apparent reason.

Islamic followers actually got angry even before they even knew what it meant, since few of them even know English. The 3 or so individuals who are educated and literate in Syria did manage to write protest signs proclaiming "Death to the West" and "Death to the pope" for the entire foaming of the mouths masses which is said to be a miracle from great Allah himself.

The pope did conjure up a reply to the manic Islamic masses on Tuesday. "I never meant to offend anyone, I was just stating a well known fact from educated individuals observations of Muslims general antics throughout history. I'm off to watch "Sex and the City, fuck this shit, burn down all the Churchs you like, just don't blame me".

The peaceful Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejadmade a aswift reply yesterday to directly challenge the popes comments to Fox News. "Lets get this right, the Pope is an infidel who will rot in hell for eternity", He stammered with complete rage, "Secondly, watching Sex and the City is blasphemy, the whores in that show have their genitals intact, this shows how backwards Western societies actually are by allowing women to have their clits still attached to their bodies."

Tova Viking, a well respected professor in the study of human Psychology and mathmatics earlier today claimed that Muslims all over the world are getting angry for no reason, as this anger increases the reasons for becoming angry becomes obsolete meaning they actually become angry for no reason. This equation simplified exists as - ASX(ISLAMIC)+AHFX = BULLSHITXOXOXX

Tova Viking actually predicts that Muslims will soon become so angry that their heads will explode for no reason, this being extremely worrying since no bombs are actually needed for the suicide bombing process. He predicts that magazines showing articles on something as little as personal hygiene, houses not built out of sand and clean shaven men could invoke a world war three.

2006-09-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends have been doing a superhero test, here (http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/) . I know I'm not interested in running around in tights looking like a smug twat helping the weak and elderly but I've never heard of my superhero before, he sure doesn't sound very useful.

<

You are a drunken viking warrior who is prone to often getting so pissed you pass out for 20 hours at a time. When you are awake you are a foul smelling oaf who is capable of random acts of violence and drunken verbal out bursts. You tend to sell or pawn all of your valuable items for white lightening cider and cans of carling. You have misanthropic tendencies which prevent you from helping anyone, even if you wanted to, you are too stupid and incoherent to do anything about it.

DRUNKEN-TWAT-O-THE-MAGNIFICENT 100%
VIOLENT 90%
MALCONTENT 90%
ABUSIVE 75%
OAFISH 70%
SMELLY 70%
MEGLOMANIAIC 50%
UGLY PERVERTED BASTARD 40%
BEARDED 20%

I'm officially the new pope!!!

2006-09-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

It's official now!

I've been speaking to Benedict XVI, I am his successor since he's admitted personally to me that he's far too old and he can;t be arsed with all the shit with the Islamic community. The resonsibility is now mine. Fuck, even I was surprised by his proposal to diffuse his powers onto me. He seems far too feeble minded to wield such powers. Here is a transcipt of the conversation I had with the scenile old bastard.

me: Hey, your most holiness, haven't seen you in a while. How is Jesus these days?

Pope: (snort) want popcorn (wheeze)

me: I wont stay for long I know how busy you are as pope.

Pope: i...i... saw a banana umbrella (mumbles some gibberish in latin)

me: You want me to take over as pope? Thats cool

Pope: (nods then falls back to sleep)

You don't need to guess that I am here to honour his wish. Choosing the pope is usually a ridiculous and lengthy ordeal but since it's the popes wish we'll skip all the nonsense.

It's pretty cool, I had some perverted priest showing me around the churches, we'd throw rocks at the poor filth beggars outside and spit at them. They then took me on a grand tour of their vaults where they keep all their stolen riches gained by corruption and lies, I saw two bent Catholic priests laughing to themselves while creating planes out of 50 quid notes. I was happy acclimatising to my living quarters and new life style. Here are my proposed changes to the Catholic religion, if they Catholics do not abide by them they SHALL go to hell.

I don't think many of these changes are too extreme at all but you have to be informed of them, although I admit I have become a little power crazed but this is only the start.

1)My pope name is officially The Mighty and Vengeful Maniac IX

2)All Church sessions and rituals will no longer be performed in English or Latin, they must speak in Swahili fluently

3)No more wine and bread, only pretzels and whiskey will now be served during these inane rituals for obvious reasons

4)All sin confession SHALL be recored for my amusement, the good ones will be sold to various TV stations.

5)More sins shall be added, such as watching American/Pop idol, watching Big brother, listening to Nu-metal or good charlotte, being a goth, male ballerinas, ridiculous modern art, eating cods roe, and having tribal tattoos when you do not actually belong in a tribe, the practice of wicca will be a mortal sin and witch hunting will be promoted then burning them alive at a stake while watching the flames dance away shall be added as a new church ritual every Friday morning

6) All hot chicks will big tits will be classified as living miracles, all these world wonders get the spend a night with the new pope.

7) Priests are no longer called priests, they are to be called jesters. Cardinals shall be called clowns.

8) Wednesday is the pizza night .

These are my magnificent ideas which will contribute greatly to Catholicism. Make sure you fucking follow all of these rules. If you piss me off you won't be going to heaven.

2006-09-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well it's the anniversary of September 11th soon.

The American media every year around this sort of time seems to project the notion of "Never forget!".

Widows wear golden pendants of it, fire fighters are studded with tattoos of it, politicans use it in every speech to rally unity, bloggers place it on their blogs and message boards are completely bombarded with it.

But what exactly does this mean?

Are these people actually bothered about two glimmering towers missing out of the New York sky line?

Do they actually care about the thousands dead?

No of course not. "Never forget" is a term hijacked by politicans to conjure jingoism deep inside publics hearts which gives them a licence to do what the hell they want, i.e support the war, support the troops and lets roll! September 11th could prove to be catastrophic for the long term stability of the world, not because of the act of terrorism but the ridiculous response from the American publics paranoia which their government has encouraged, it has ultimately invoked a sense of outrage & moral superiority in Americans - which is ridiculous.I would be seriously worried if another major act of terrorism hits America, when people are insecure they act irrational and turn to extremism.

I was only 15 when September 11th happens, I remember it vividly as well. Everyone in the world saw it, even the Yak farmers in the mountains Nepal. Countless documentaries were made about it, endless internet websites and childrens toys in the middle east were fashioned around it. Was it a sad day? Yes, but what is sadder is politicans and in -particular- republicans looking in to milk everything its worth, its just disrespectful of those who died. These sorts of people are scum, they are attempting prolong the pain of a few thousand dead for their own selfish agendas.

The dangers of Islam

2006-09-03T04:44:00.000-07:00

Deep down we all know religion has been a form of crowd control, untested beliefs morph into unshakeable truths. We all know damn well that a higher being is not controlling our destinies, but the "What if" factor kind of kicks in and seems strong enough to compel a significant portion of the brainless simpletons out there into behaving in direct accordance with whatever silly religious book in the hope they'll manage to get round Gods bouncer at the pearly gates after they've died.

I don't really give a damn what you believe as long as you don't start telling me how I should brush my teeth to prove my morality.Basically If religion keeps you content and keeps you away from knocking on my door I have no objections to it. But if you dare fucking come round to my house preaching bullshit to me I'll invite you in and lace your tea with stychnine.

So you are probably thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT STEVE LOL?". Well keeping religion seperate from our every day culture is paramount, Islam is still practised under very strict and possesses traditional methods meaning their societies are basically entwined and run by their religion. This is why its seen as such a threat because its so damn pervasive.

You ask a random kid in the middle east who Allah is and he'll recite the entire fucking koran to you. Ask a dumbass American (Europeans are mainly atheist these days, not included) to name a single verse in Leviticus which deals with something other than hating queers you'll get a completely blank face.Anyway I'm fucking bored.

September 11th didn't change a damn thing

2006-08-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

On September 11th 2001 terrorists did not ram boeings into random buildings. They targetted symbols of Americas financial power, two gleaming gigantic towers, two phallic odes of unadultered capitalism. What happened on that fateful day was not just an unjust loss of life but a masterful attack on a greedy and meglomaniac system. Terrorists took advantage of an open door, a destructive niche which possessed a lack of security. A single group of terrorists who spoke broken English, had little experience in flying planes and only equipped with hidden knives had successfully managed to pull off the worlds most famous terrorist attack.

Despite the destruction, carnage and loss of life Bin Laden and the terrorists didn't win, the message never to hit home.

Ask any Repubican about September 11th and they'll say exactly the same thing. He'll raise his eye brow and reply "We eat terrorists for breakfast". The way Americans harp on about terrorism you'd actually think terrorism didn't exist til 2001. The biggest irony in this of course is that the IRA was primarily funded for decades by rich Americans in which more people died in that conflict than on September 11th. This hypocrisy is simply mind blowing.

At least some people did manage to profit from this atrocity, the families of those who were murdered during this attack demanded money and most of them did handsomely. Money still makes the world go round, money still heals even the deepest wounds and America still uses bombs to solve all of its problems.

Thousands of people die per day from starvation, bombs and disease yet they do not get such special treatment. WHO magazine is not interested in speaking to that mother whos dying of AIDS, she will not receive a fat cheque of half a million dollar and M Carey is not singing Hero especially for her. That family goes on like millions of others do.

Then again September 11th did of course happen to Americas upper and middle class Christian citizens.

"Daddy where will Mummy go to make us feel better, to heaven or into a building?"

It must be so hard sitting at the lunch table minus a family memeber.... plus a camera crew.

People at the fucking shops

2006-08-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

Since I've turned 18 (I'm in fact 19 now) I've been going to the local shops and super markets much more often that I used to since I can legally buy alcohol, I go say 2 or 3 times a day, it's very routine yet VERY infuriating.

A lot of shit what happens on these runs can irritate me. I usually attempt to avoid going to the store before 9 because there are less old people, in fact there is generally less people to piss me off in that short duration of time which I am in the shop.

I am guaranteed to be pissed off by some retard in every single visit.

Are you sure your 18 sir? Despite the fact I'm a regular at the shops and supermarkets I'm always getting I.D'ed by the same fucking idiots over and over again. It's not too much to expect someone to possess a half decent memory is it since they see me every day, possibly twice a day? I get even more tumultuous due to the fact that they do not seem to have a very basic understanding of maths to be able to decipher my age from my I.D card. I remember showing my I.D to this one prat he looked at me very suspiciously and said, are you sure your 18?

What the fuck, I don't fucking know I'll check my I.D which is in your hand you fool. He said lets see, you were born in 1986 in decemeber... I'm 24 and was born in 1980 it's now 2005 (this was late last year)... that means you must be 17?

Nice try dickhead you didn't even give your correct age or birthdate let alone mine, let me give you the simple formula to help you on your complex quest of attempting to work out my age.

Firstly you must take the year it is now, this shouldn't be too difficult for even a retard like yourself to remember what year it is, if you do now know what year it is I will inform you, it is currently 2006 but since this happened late last year we'll say 2005 just to hammer some sense into you. Now, take the date I gave you 2005 and subtract my birth date (1986) from it. It goes something like this, 2005 1986 = 19. Now how hard was that? Then all you have to do is look at the month to determine whether I'm either 18 or 19. Since it's 2006 now, I'll make an example. It's currently August so if I was born on December I am not 20 yet, I'm 19.

There you go, now you can get on with your fucking job properly and stop wasting 5 minutes of my already pointless existence. In fact if you look closely on my I.D it even says 18 in 2004, some of these geniuses were fucking baffled by this information on my I.D and still couldn't determine whether I was legally allowed to buy alcohol or not.

Sometimes these prats on the tills think it's a fake one and start bending it and shit or holding it really close to my face to get a better picture comparison. It's like being drilled by a pissed off depressed murder detective, like the ones you see on TV, you better be tell me the truth or ya in a worlda trouble young man or this is fake innit kid you betta be prayin to god if it is.... how about fuck off you stupid kunt, do your fucking worst I never got your child addicted to heroin in the first place that was your inadequacies as a parent so don't point accusations at someone else. If you ever speak to me like this again, I'll jump over the counter and head butt you several times.An alcohol run should only take 2 minutes to complete successfully yet I could probably do a lengthy paper analysing political and sociological problems in this country before I manage to even walk out of the fucking shop buying some alcohol.

The store looks very desolate but as I enter a single foot in the place retards seem to flock the place within seconds of me entering.

Theres always that fucking moron with 63 different types of cat food she thinks what is on sale who wants a lengthy piece of advice from the staff for the dietary of her 13 cats(all individually I might add).

There is always the drooling kid who can't quite decide what pumpkin light or what balloons she wants for her ridiculous and inane party.

There is always the decrepit old fucker who is prepared write a cheque to pay for a single fucking stamp, she writes in incorrectly several times before being successful.

Theres always the fat, retarded sisters who are making loud rambling about whether to rent out Legally Blonde 2 or the Sex and the City season Dvd collection as well as arguing what types pies to shove down their fat gullets when they get home.

Theres always the army of Indians who flock the shops with their 12 sisters and 8 brothers who can't understand a fucking word what the cashier is saying because they are all illegal immigrants.

There is always the village idiots and trendy boys who come into the shop with their high and mighty, I'm better than any of you fuckers attitude, who complain about stupid issues to the staff which they can do nothing about.

Theres always only one fucking register open because the other lazy spotty teenage twats are too busy in the stock room sniffing glue and shooting themselves in the balls with the price guns.

After all this shit, the staff still look at me oddly as I open my bottle of vodka and start downing it while waiting in the line.

I fucking hate it when that bitch who's 23 year old who has had had 6 pregnancies already, who's been living off benefits her entire life decides to run over my foot with the fucking trolley and not apologise, infact she looks at me like it's my fucking fault. Look bitch, just because you do not possess the intelligence to maneuver a shopping cart properly doesn't mean that I'm not going to get very pissed off, flip over the cart and then kick fuck out of you so badly you won't be able to have any children ever again.

Some advice

2006-08-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

During my very short life time I've had to listen to fruitless bullshit which people cry over and bitch about which I don't give a shit about. Whether I'm at a buddies house party, at college or just walking aimlessly down some random street I've had to consistantly been forced to observe Coronation Street type drama, bullshit which just doesn't matter. I've had to for years, listen to slobbering morons wailing about how their girl friend escaped their clutch, or how the death of their pointless animal since they've had since a kid has mentally scarred them for all eternity. This excess of emotions is just plain nonsense. Such drama is left to silly little gothic girls who cut themselves with old safety pins in the dark while listening to HIM. People always seem to ask me for advice on how to cure their epicene problems. I always give them the best possible advice I can. If people followed my advice right from the start we wouldn't see these pussies menstruating in public on ridiculous shows like Jerry Springer, Trisha and shitty Operah.

Here is some of my advice I have dished out over the years.

Idiot1: Oh Steve, I spotted this girl the other day, I really love this girl so much yet she seems to fancy my mate and not me. It's killing me from the inside, what do I do?! (this through lots of snotty tears, yes it angered and disgusted me too to the point that I nearly headbutted him)

Me: Look asshole, you don't fucking love her since you barely know her you mullethead. Not only that, but she's a pig ugly, obese cow whos equipped with saggy tits, yellow finger nails and who happens to be disease ridden with lice. You should damn well thank your mate for leaping onto this hideous hand grenade. Secondly, it's not fucking killing you since I don't see any blood, the only blood I see is coming out of your pussie, you woman. Where are your balls? Grow some and take it like a man.

Idiot2: Steve, my father never used to cook for me or wash my clothes let alone give me any attention when I was young. I have horrible memories of rejection which is lowering my already very low self esteem. What do I do?

Me: I'll tell you what to fucking do, moron. Forget about it and move on. Either that or track down the old boy, break his kneecaps with an iron bar and kick the fuck out of him til you feel better about it. If your not man enough to do either of these you deserve a lot more than having a parent who doesn't cook or wash for you, you filthy kunt sort yourself out.

Idiot3: my job is really shit and repetitive. My boss is so mean to me, I always hide in the cubicle all day. What do i do?

Me: Look dickhead, at least you have a damn job, I don't. You barely made it out of senior school with any grades and you've never set foot in a college in your life. And after this shit you are complaining that your dead end job is boring? In my opinion, you better thank the god up there since you've obviously been sacrificing the kittens and rabbits for him to show such a retard as yourself so much divine favour as even owning a job. Go to the nearest porn shop and watch the cum mopper do his job before you start complaining about yours, next time you head to that cubicle at work be very thankful your job title does not include mopping up DNA in toilets which ejaculate so often in there.

Idiot4: My girl friend has cheated on me... I feel like I'm going to die.

Me: How do you know? What actually gave it away after so long dude? Was it her constant 24 hour a day 7 days a week dick breath? Or maybe you eventually managed to catch her fucking the million-man-march on your bed while you were meant to be at work? Do yourself a favour, kick her head in and get yourself checked for AIDS. Oh shit wait, you were only dating her meaning you were the only person she wasn't actually sleeping with. You'll be clean man don't worry one bit, you'll be clean.

Idiot5: This mean kid is picking on me, what do I do?

Me: Well for starters you can stop running away like a French person in battle. Next time some dickhead is trying to fill his ego by making you feel like shit, look him in the eye and punch him in the throat very hard (it works well). Onces he's wriggling on the floor in pain, piss on his head infront of his girl friend to humiliate him. Congratulations, you've finally grown some balls.

Idiot6: Steve my girl friend is taking over my life! she won't let me see my mates?

Me: What the fuck, I suggest you slap her around a bit and show her whos the alpha male. Then, see if she tries to stop you from getting pissed with your buddies next then. Problem solved.

Idiot7: These five random guys from the pub all fancied me and invited me round for a house party. Is it wise to go Steve?

Me: Yes, if you wish to get raped by five strangers simultaneously for a week go for it.

These are just a few samples of my infinite and rapidly growing wisdom, if you ever want some sound and logical advice you know who to ask. If I'm not here to help you out, remember don't be so damn bitchy, soppy and indicisive and go punch some random to make yourself feel better. I admit, it is not a permanent solution but it does the the ball rolling on how to sort yourself out.

Love Science Hate Chavs

2006-08-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

While walking around town last month I encountered some drunken chav who started giving me abuse for absolutely no reason, like they are habitual to. He ran towards me crying out like a barbaric caveman so I decided to punch him in the mouth, a squeaking sound seemed to project out of his mouth as he hit the ground.

What can I say? I see this as a great opportunity, I love science and hate chavs so my experiment shall be called, "Do chavs squeak when you punch them?"

When I see some stupid spotty git with a burbery cap on and who's vocabulary doesn't stretch beyond "innit" it's like I go into autopilot and want to stamp on their heads. I don't really take into consideration what noise they usually make while I'm bashing them but it still remains one of the world great mysteries which I need to explore for the good of mankind.

Firstly I've got to give a definition and some background information on what a "Chav" before I carry out my experiment with test specimens then give a good analysis and conclusion into my findings to help broaden our knowledge in this area of science.

Chavs are a recent and rare phenomenon, they populate our towns and cities. Chavs are not apart of the human race, they branched away from the homosapien evolution tree (although it's unclear when this happened), they are known as "homo-chavs", they are similar to homosapiens but are mentally inferior (it is rare to meet a chav who's IQ is higher than his or her age), they also unfortunately have developed pack instincts like wolves. Chavs are very easily spotted by sight alone, they tend to wear trackies, base ball caps and trainers along with shitty fake golden jewelry which has turned green. Chav males expertise do not go beyond factory work and starting fights outside shops and/or bars. Chav females tend to expertise in pram pushing (it is a rarity for a chav female not to be pregnant by 14) and leeching benefits. Chav language varies but one cannot speak chav language unless one has permanently damages ones brain with recreational drugs and/or househeld solvents. In English we only have one word for 'theft' in chav language may have as many as 60 different words and meanings for this specific word.

TEST SUBJECT ONE: After a night of hard drinking last week I had run out of money, fuck I'll have to jog home 5 miles, I was pissed off. After joging 5 minutes I came to a shitty estate with most of the council houses windows boarded up, I can see a chav coming towards me in the distance, As we passed each other he looks at me, 'Av u got a fag mate or can I buy one off you?', He was a short stupid spotty looking kunt with typical chav features such as wearing blue 3 stripped trackies, I decided to punch him right in the nose. I proceeded to kick fuck out of him in the name of science. Plus what better way to warm yourself up for a long jog than to punch a Chav. He hit the ground fast and made some pathetic wheezing noise.

ANALYSIS - it seems unclear, the was a definite loud crack when I punched him yet this must of drowned out any other noise what he made. I need more specimens I thought to draw an accurate conclusion.

TEST SUBJECT 2 - On Monday I decided it would be a good idea to go chav hunting in town. The chav population is enormous in town areas. After getting off the bus I instantly spot a target, I purposely barge into a fat looking chav (this kunt can aid the cause of science I thought) 'Are u fukin startin dik ed?', this bastard looked a lot like my last specimen, apart from he had obviously gone over the top with the jewellry from Argos. I had to be careful and remember not to start laughing after hitting him, I needed to listen to the noise what he made.I decided to punch him in his throat, he expelled a gurggling noise and quickly dropped to the floor.

ANALYSIS - No obvious squeak was heard, but a clear squeak could have potentially been muffled by other sounds such as the gurggling. Unclear yet again.

TEST SUBJECT 3 - Yesterday I decided to look for a final and third specimen outside the arcades where many seem to prowl, I decided to be much more direct this time. I spotted chavs everywhere yet most of them were in large groups. After intensive watching I did indeed spot a lonely chav sitting on the bench. Some stupid ginger haired twat who looked ripe for a beating in the name of science. I decided to try and be more efficient and took approximately a 10 metre run up prior to me punching him which managed to knock him straight off the bench and decided to stamp on his head a few times. Groaning and screaming could be heard but so too could many other sounds. As a trained scientist i believe that he did NOT make any sort of squeaking noise.

CONCLUSION - After carrying out an intensive and accurate experiment I can conclude that Chavs do not make a squeaking noise when you kick fuck out of them. I have solved one of lifes great mysteries, its been a great day for science.

I hate people

2006-08-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

I hate a lot of things, that has been thoroughly established but something else has been getting on my tits which I need to let out.

Have you ever been concentrating minding your own fuking business looking at the top shelf magazines when some twat comes over who you haven't seen for X amount of years and acts like they are your best friend with all the smalltalkbullshit. You probably haven't seen them in that long because you simply DIDN'T want to but they feel the need to update up on all their pointless milestones of their own life which you couldn't give a fuck about. " Yeh... remember back then... that time...tommy got sick from eating all of those apples... little johnny has lost 5 pounds I tell you! so proud of him.... fat frank finally lost his virginity last december at the age of 47!". You simply nod in polite agreement while attempting to ignore the stupid kunt hoping that he/she will not ask for your phone number or offer to take you out for a drink.

This shit seems to be happening to me on a constant basis, especially on alcohol and drug runs. Why all of a sudden have a become a magnet to this crap? For example yesterday I was sitting by myself drinking heavily like usual (I was completely and utterly wasted) and my phone rang, I hate it when this shit happens. Why do people insist on contacting me? Hey man it's Arron who lives down the street from you. Slurring and stammering reply, What the fuck do you want. I only speak to this wanker at the bus stop although I used to hang about with him when I was a kid, I'm no friend of any human let alone you, dickhead. He's calling me in the middle of the night being friendly, he MUST be after something!!! This shit NEVER changes with people does it? SELFISH WANKERS. He starts nattering on about pointless and inane crap until I butt in and manage to slur in, LOOK, What do you want?. Of course, the bastard is going on about how we should hang out then it finally hits me that this stupid kunt only wants to come round here because I always have a free house and he's after a party. Look man I can bring round some fit lasses and alcohol. Fuck off you nobhead I know your game, I slam the phone down not even bothering to give him a proper answer.

Next thing I know I hear a bang at the door. Bang, bang bang. Shit! I had momentarily forgotten he lives so damn close to me. I instantaneously receive a text message Hi its arron I'm outside your door knocking. No shit dickdick! Why has he failed to recognise that I don't want him round? Is he completely and utterly stupid or just winding me up? In order to keep him and his crew out of my house I decide I must go tell him to fuck off once and for all. I drunkenly get my arse off the chair and open the door and tell him I'm not feeling well, he eventually gets the hint and informs me that they are going to get pissed on the park and I'm welcome to come along a little later if I'm feeling better. Thanks for the offer I say....do you need a membership card or entry fee to get in there i remarked as he was walk walking off just the take the piss. Needless to say none of them found it amusing like i did.

Also yesterday ( a little earlier on) I was at the shop unsurprisingly buying alcohol. Unfortunately the shop is very small so I have to stop to speak to many of the village idiots who I know or recognise. I spot some old wrinkly bastard who isn't too far from her expiry date (thank goodness) who my mother and father used to know. Suddenly this old git starts speaking to me very mechanically like they always do. Rodger bumms you know him don't you.... he knew your dad,!was a fine man who unfortunately is now a crack cocaine addict No! who the fuck are you speaking about? Tom, recently got a degree and moved to Namibia to teach poor & starving Namibians trigonometry. Oh what a wonderful person! Do you remember William? No I don't fuck you, you old bat. Well he's doing fine, did you hear about his daughter who is a convicted child pedo. What the fuck is this old kunt nattering about exactly? You three were always together. We used to call you three the Mario kids! Remember you Phil and Sally? I've never heard of any of those people.

To be honest with you I'm not even totally sure who this person was but she was running her mouth off like I was her best friend.

Hmm don't people die any more?

The Terrorist Transcipt

2006-08-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched some more ridiculous terrorist propaganda just for a laugh courtesy of Lashkar Al Toiba and his amateur camera crew. You know, the camel fuckers with long beards who live in hovels and carry AK's as fashion accessories.

The video's content showed these terrorists attempting to demonstrate their huge military strength and capabilities by shooting cans. Lashkar Al Toiba was also wearing Nike trainers while he carried out this demonstration. This is quite ironic don't you think? The bastard says that the West is full of stupid people who deserve to be blown into oblivion yet our trainers are indeed good enough for him. I have absolutely no idea what they were saying during the video so I decided to take some Arabic lessons and lip reading courses. After intensive analysis of the video my finding were as followed-

Lashkar: Allah is great! all Americans shall perish under his name! All non believers shall suffer the wrath of being boiled alive! feel my righteous bullets rip through your body!

(holds gun and pulls trigger)

Click.click.click.click

Lashkar: Shit! It isn't working, which one of you fuckers has been pissing around with my gun. WHICH ONE OF YOU

(the mask wearing, stick wielding terrorists stay silent)

Lashkar: You stupid camel fuckers. Speak up or all of you shall be stripped naked and beaten on the ass with the butt of my gun while my long beard is tickling your scrotum and you WONT enjoy it one bit. Well, Apart from you Ashaki I've seen the way you stare at Mehtar when he's polishing his AK47.

( Ashaki shakes nervous)

Lashkar: Oh ok boys just forget it. Allah we needs your help, we want to make this video a success and display our ever growing power! We need focus to destroy the evil West! Mubaarak al Jafai get over here and fix this gun.

Masked terrorist: Huh? are you speaking tom e ?

Lashkar: No, I'm speaking to Mohammad's 3 year old wife Aisha. yes you idiot I am speaking to you come here.

Masked terrorist: But I'm not Mubaarak al Jafai, I'm actually al-Bin Mustafa

Lashkar: Then where the fuck is Mubaarak al Jafai ?

Masked terrorist (shouting) : I'm Mubaarak al Jafai

Lashkar: In Allahs beard! I thought you were Murad al-Ayam

Masked terrorist: No we beheaded him last week. I can't remember the details to why we did it. I think he pissed Allahs name in the sand when he was drunk. No actually, I think he wiped his arse with the wrong hand. That is surely punishable by death, I think?

Lashkar: Shut the fuck up all of you! Do all of you have -al in your names or is it just me! I'm so confused.

All masked terrorists: Yes

Lashkar: Oh ok then. Allah assist me in this divine video! Fuck the names I'll just point to you when I need your assistance. (pointing) You get get over here and load this gun for me.

Masked terrorist: Do you know how to use this thing sir

Lashkar: Thats got sod all to do with it. Shut up Nadidah

Masked terrorist: I'm not Nadidah I'm Zihayr, sir.

Lashkar: Oh fuck off or I'll use you as a target. Aashiq pick up that camera and lets get rolling.

(Lashkar randomly fires the gun into the air . He shouts randomly about Jihad, Allah, death to all Americans and the West (you know the drill) then walks with his back to the camera as they customarily always do)

Lashkar: Excellent! I shall certainly have 40 virgins in heaven waiting for me once I die. (All masked terrorists cheer)

I HOPE YOU DIE OF AIDS

2006-08-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

I see tear ridden, ridiculous celebrities complaining how bad Aids is and I'm sick of it (I don't see them pocketing in hard though). Apparently we should be informed about this horrific disease and spread the world of it when we realise its capability and source, how about fuck off? I should also send my money to some pointless organisations that probably uses that cash to fund evil dictators for arms deals and more prostitutes. I should too wear a fucking ribbon, because I know how effective ribbons are supposed to be against killer diseases! It cures them! Millions of is being thrown around on promoting the causes of Aids when it doesn't accomplish anything since we all know what causes Aids. These pricks like to advertise that no one has ever heard of Aids, the only reason people are getting it is because they are uninformed of it's source! Who honestly doesn't know how Aids is spread?

Ignorance isn't the reason that Aids is spread, it's stupidity because people cannot control their hormones. Aids comes through sex (or needles) but that doesn't stop some idiots from going out and fucking anyone who will bend over for them. This is what causes the epidemic. You hear about all these prats in the papers who contracted Aids because they went out on gay orgies every night fucking 10 other men at once high on meth and didn't bother using protection, you knew what causes Aids you wanker you acted like an idiot, don't expect sympathy since it's you were INFORMED what causes it you just didn't fucking care, so why should I care?. We all understand now don't we? The millions of wasted on informing these morons about Aids is wasted since despite how well informed these retards are it wont stop them from nailing a hundred total strangers a night in some random queer orgy fest.

I'll give you an example of Aids awareness mission:

person: Here you go sir, please have an Aids awareness leaflet.

queer: Oh, thanks a lot.

person: You will be getting informed and reading it right?

queer: No. I already know everything about HIV and AIDs.

Person: Then why did you want the leaflet?

queer: Because I'm going to roll it up and shove it up someones ass at the gay orgy I'm on my way to.

person: As long as you wear a condom, remember for both yours and theres sake.

queer: No, I don't wear condoms dont be ridiculous. They make fucking ass less fun.

person: Sir! Having unprotected sex with multiple partners is how one contracts the Aids virus. Didn't you know that?

queer: So?

person: You're putting yourself and everyone you make love to in great danger!

queer: Okay, listen buddy. Firstly: I don't make love to anyone. I've done a shit load of drugs, im off to take a shit load more and I'm on my way to a club where I'm going to FUCK hundreds of strangers who, in turn, are going to fuck hundreds of random strangers each. None of us wear condoms either and no one makes sure everyone is clean. Number two: I know all about Aids; we all do so don't come like that with me. don't act like you know something which the gay community don't.

person: Then how the hell do you justify spreading a deadly virus to a countless number of people who will most likely die from it just because you can't control your sick sexual urges.

queer: I don't know. I'm just a stupid queer

The current solution is not working, apparently condoms do not insure safety either. The only way you can be sure you won't get Aids is to keep your dick in your pants, don't do needles and be careful. If you're not having sex with anyone, chances are you won't be getting Aids. To all of the sick queers (and druggies) out there nobbing hundreds of random guys in all pipes: I hope you get Aids and die quickly you queer fucks so you cannot spread it further. Fuck off.

Basically it was the queer community in the western world which spread this disease around so rapidly, granted, you can't blame the entire world for Aids on the queer community, the poor bastards in Africa are in an entirely different situation.

What a SHIT day

2006-08-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today after getting my A level results I was very pissed off. Not because I did shit in the exams, not at all, it actually went brilliantly despite the fact my attendance is less than 40percent & completely void of any revision. My phone instantly rang after walking out of college, I hate it when this shit happens, why the fuck do people want to contact me? I thought everyone was aware of my ignominy towards any sort of pointless human contact. The number was actually withheld so curiosity strangled me into answering just to see who it was just to rocket some insults towards them. It happened to be some cock who I no longer speak to called Phil, predictably he was speaking inane bullshit. However, one thing did surprise me initially about this conversation which did (habitually) morph into complete hatred after a few seconds.

Idiot - Hey man, haven't seen you in a while, hows it goin' bud, want to come for a drink and celebrate finishing A levels?

Me- No not with you. Look, I've just gotten my exam results what the fuck do you want

Idiot - Thats cool dude no need to be harsh, hey! I've been listening to death metal recently

Me- Really? Thought you were into all that RnB coon choons shit since you have the intellect of a pubic hair

Idiot - Nah, I've seen past my ignorance, yeh man death metal

Me- What sort of bands?

Idiot- All sorts of hardcore shit like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Korn, Marilyn Manson

That was it, I couldn't fucking handle this sort of moronic response so I cut him off. I was baffled. I couldn't control my appendages. I just wanted to run home and sit in a corner forcing whiskey down my throat while listening to Decapitated's "Nihility" looped to try and cleanse my memory of what I had just heard.

These bands he spoke about are talentless, and should be stabbed, repeatedly, in the balls with hat pins wielded by old women with both Parkinson's disease and small pox, so too the people who listen to this shite.

Could my day possibly get any worse? You bet. While plodding toward the bus stop I saw this dumb bitch with all sorts of ridiculous stickers all over her car announcing, "Not all witches are bitches" and "Blessed be". When it comes to Wicca, I nearly hate this shit equally as I do Catholicism and goths. I also hate shitty bumper stickers so you can imagine how pissed off I became at this potentially self injurious sight. My world was turned up side down for the second time in as many minutes, I could hear ringing inside my ears and voices telling me to destroy this bitch for the good of mankind.

I spotted her car stop to a halt due to a red light so I sprinted towards the car and in a fit of rage I mechanically leapt onto her car bonnet and ripped off her roof in an incredible hulk like fashion. I recreated a long lost practice of burning her at a stake at the side of the road, while watching the dancing flames and her blackened body burning til dusk I realised how awesome burning witches was. Some people might be against burning witches, that predictably leads me to believe that they are infact witches too and should equally be burnt alive immediately along with all the retarded goths out there.

Wicca is generally practiced by teenage girls (credibility instantly disappears) who are also infamously known for pointless depression while cuttingthemselves with rusty scissors and writing shitty poetry which legally should not be allowed to be classed as poetry. The only true prerequisite for being a witch is being unreasonably and ridiculously stupid. So you want to make your parents worry about you? Don't worry your complete mental deficiency at birth is already worrying your parents. You can fuck about with allthe pentagrams and cast all the silly spells you want but it doesn't make you a fucking godess you dumb bitch its all a crock of shit so too is your poem you wrote about Gaia to achieve a D- in writing English while at school. The only reason your a fucking witch is because your too prissy to be a goth. Next time I see you Sabrina, I'm going to litter the fuck out of mother earth and throw a few sexist comments at you just to piss you off.

MTV tried to take over the world

2006-08-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

I remember the day I thought the world was going to end.

MTV ordered their drone like masses to destroy anyone and everything who do not follow MTV like Christians follow the bible. Anyone with their own innovative opinions and ideas were going to be killed and the individuals who had an IQ of over 27 were going to be kidnapped, tortured and ultimately taken to the MTV base for reprogramming.

I quickly turned on my TV and saw for myself on the BBC News the marching masses of fashionable fools all wearing at least 8 expensively priced fashion accessories. They were all mindless lemmings obeying orders from MTV's corporate tower. I knew damn well that I would be first on their cull list, shit, I didn't even own a poster of Britney Speares let alone possess a Green Day CD which happened to be a golden ticket of vitai. I could hear the marches draw closer, the pounding of fists on peoples doors and the deafening screams of people they were murdered mercilessly for not owning the latest Blink182 CD.

They seemed to be inspecting peoples houses. I had no time to think. I peered out of my window shyly, I spotted the evil hordes of MTV drones placing peoples head on pikes. I noticed chaos deep inside the MTV viewers ranks conjuring up, the fashions and styles were changing so quickly that even the most dedicated lemming was struggling to keep up. Some of the MTV crew had decided to start lynching and beating to death the ones who could not keep up with ever changing fashion. One guy accidently said "awesome", a fatal mistake which morphed into a brutal beating. Another unfortunate woman was bludgeoned to death violently with an umbrella because she wasn't wearing slutty clothes that would make her look like a complete whore.

I was sat inside my house, the only thing I could do is lie low til they had vanished to the next neighbourhood, it was just too risky to abandon my house. To try to go out and speak to these people was simply out of the question, If I had opened my door I would definitely be killed, I didn't have one poster of Justin Timberlake on my wall this would obviously result into a violent and instant death courtesy of the MTV mob. I carefully plodded upstairs to what my TV to watch the mobs progression safely.

The mob become chaotic as two ugly sluts started making it out infront of them- Britney Speares and Madonna. The trendy boys became sexually aroused and started grunting like demented alpha males at this repugnant sight. Fighting started due to these barbaric animals wanting to win over the affection of the two ugly wenches. Bellowing of "I want bling bling" echoed into the atmosphere for miles around. Things only got worse as I heared knocking on my door which grew louder, they eventually decided to kick my door down and captured me. I was beaten violently by rich white kids who were dressed as gangsters, I heard them muttering incoherent 50Cent lyrics as they beat me to a pulp. Suddenly the trends changed again, I could see this as a transitional moment in which I could take advantage of. Their gangster image slowly started to change slowly into slick, boy band style attire, along with sissy yet well groomed facial hair and well shaven legs.

I quickly ran for it outside on to my garden, no one seemed to noticed me. Where could I go? I decided it would be best to jump into my car, yet my car could not ensure safety. My car sticks out like a sore thumb to these MTV maniacs due to the fact I don't have any flashy rims or added customs. This alone would make me a target, my car is also adorned with many metal band stickers. I'm not removing them I thought to myself, I have principles I'm not changing my appearance or ways for damned MTV. Fuck it, I'll ride into the horizon. Starting up the mighty one litre engine I ride into the sunset blasting death metal into the air. I play "Dechristianize" by Vital Remains on loop to help combat the horrible noise pollution what could be heard for miles around by the MTV maniacs. I'm stuck in an awful situation but that doesn't mean I'm not going to play death metal loudly.

The streets were littered with corpses and clothes which had gone out of fashion merely moments ago. Theres got to be resistance out there somewhere I grumbled to myself. The rioting must of been very wide spread due to all the havok, I turned on the radio to update myself on the mobs situation. Apparently they had split up into smaller groups to over a larger area. No doubt this shit was happening world wide, MTV have stations every where. On the horizon I spotted many SUV's gathering pace following me, shit. As they got closers I could see them much more clearly. They were giant vehicles with expensive custom rims, equipped with 5 Dvd players, a huge stereo system, plasma screens and enough room to house 16 African families. As they chased me they appeared to go into formations. I slammed my pedal fully onto the floor and quickly reached a staggering maximum speed of 85MPH. No way were these dicks going to catch me. I noticed them turn into a petrol station, I lost them. I had actually forgotten that these gigantic fuel burning vehicles needed a top up of 250 quids worth of petrol every 15 minutes.

After traveling for a few hours it dawned on me that I needed supplies. Prior to seeing the perfect place to top up on supplies I spotted a few MTV zombies moon walking about it was obvious the boy band craze was still going strong. I pulled into a seemingly deserted petrol station and decided it would be an appropriate place to top up. I noticed movement in the shadowy bushes, an obese gothic girl emerged from shadows. I had to assume that she was an MTV drone too since Marilyn Manson was born out of MTV. Indeed we are MTV drones she hissed nastily, although, we don't like to admit it she added promptly. I decided to throw a brick at the fat bastards head. Take that you bitch, go write a shitty poem about that and don't come out during day light ever again I bellowed. After dishing out some more emotional, physical and mental pain to the goth I retreated to my car. I spotted a phone booth behind the store, I decided to check it out. I spotted a yellow pages booklet, the front cover was scrawled in black ink, it read "Resistance. Small Metal store, located due west Welney". This was merely a 10 minute drive, my new destination. I knew exactly where I was headed.

I eventually reached the metal store, it looked very desolate. As I entered I spotted large posters of Slayer and Metallica along with mountains of rare metal CD's. There must be some sort of basement I thought. I proceeded to search around the back of the metal store for some kind of clues to where the resistence were located. I saw a large metal door, it required a three digit code in order to enter. I knew it instantly, 666, no way would the MTV zombies work that out, they are too stupid. The large door automatically entered, I was greeted with an set of stone steps going deep into the bowls of the earth. I discretely made my way down, shadowy murmurs could be heard lightly which turned into hushed conversation, it must be the resistence I thought to myself. A dim flickering light could be seen in the dark, this grew and become stronger as I descended down the steps. I was greeted by people who I didn't personally know yet recognised. Some old school rocker with a beard who I had seen at a Carcass Gig jumped up to shake my hand. I recognised another man, a large man who I saw at an In Flames gig, and of course the resistance leader himself who I presumed as the shop owner. Welcome brother you are the Chosen one he mightily said, I'm glad you have found the resistence, only people who watch MTV for a large set peroid of time are affected by the brain washing process. We know how to defeat them but non of us can. Why I asked. Because were all too drunk to drive safely down to the MTV base he informed me laughing. They also told me that metal groups all over the world are trying to combat the MTV masses, all we have to do is stop MTV from broadcasting for one day and the brainwashing gets erased. They ordered me to go and destroy them on my own, apparently they are still in the boy band trend so it's easily done since they are a bunch of pussies. They gave me a gigantic club which had nails infused throughout it from top to bottom. The wise leader also handed me a map which had the location of the MTV broadcasting building. The resistance group wished me good luck and I left the safety of the basement to continue on my travels.

It took me a good 3 hours to reach my desination. I stopped several hundred yards away from the building to scan what I was actually up against. I saw around 50 people standing outside the building with "I love you Justin" and "I love you Britney" signs, I concluded that there would be no problem breaking into their first line of defence. I revved my engine to fuck, slammed "Destroy the Opposition" by Dying Fetus in my CD player, turned the volume max, stomped my pedal to the metal and accelerated towards the mob. Very few stupidly seemed to realise my car was heading in their directly extremely fast, they seemed too busy screaming for Britney Speares to come out of the building with their shitty signs. I ploughed my car violently into the mob, squealing and screaming could be heard, human flesh and blood splattered the earth. I decided to jump out of my car and take them on hand to hand. Some boy band look a like started to bitch slap me so I caved their heads in with my giant club. I realised their brains were actually unusually small. I saw Britney Speares in the distance inside the control centre so I sprinted towards her, here was my chance for revenge. She begged for mercy on the floor and started singing "Opps I did it again" yet the lyrics were changed to something about sparing her life. I coldly laughed at her and clubbed her in the head, she wouldn't stop singing so I jumped onto her head until she fell completely silent. I proceeded to smash up the control centre while bellowing out like a barbaric caveman. I found tapes and videos of every show ever aired, so I smashed that shit up too. I'd make sure MTV wouldn't be up and running for a very long time. I had saved the world from MTV and sent Britney Speares to her grave, what a day, the chosen one has succeeded. I plodded back to my resistance faction and informed them of my success. To celebrate this illustrious victory we decided to get completely smashed. After this constant partying died down we had to go our seperate ways and continue our lives.

A great example of bureaucratic inefficiency

2006-08-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was asked a few months ago if I'd do jury duty. I actually accepted this proposal, I mean I'd actually get the opportunity to see how the justice system works in this country a little better and maybe have the amusement of sending some moron to jail even he was completely innocent.

I always had doubt in my mind though, I mean the justice system both in this country and in the western world in general functions about as well as a glue sniffing carnie operating the big wheel at my local theme park. It staggers me that criminals like Michael Jackson, Michael Barrymore and John Prescott haven't been locked away given life sentences while some dribbling retard manages to successfully sue all the big high street stores because she thought the plastic carrier bags were edible due to them not possessing printed, "Do not eat" signs.

Anyway despite me thinking this I presumed that I'd actually enjoy this unique and unusual experience. I had to get up at around 7am this morning for duty. I had to be at the local Hall of Justice by around 9, I despise activating my body so early without getting paid because I'm always severely hung over from the night before. I knew there would be a lot of waiting around when I first got there so I decided to take a large flask of rum, an over 65's lesbian porn mag and a large broadsheet newspaper to conceal it in (to give the impression I actually possess some sort of intellect).

As soon as I reached the hall my day started turning shitty almost immediately, I didn't actually know they force you walk through metal detectors to ensure you don't take dangerous weapons (like flasks of rum)inside to murder the accused before the trial has started. As you can imagine (and to my disgust) my flask was discovered and confiscated by a guard who was either a) extremely tired and hung over as I was b) more feebleminded than the average guard should be or c) both. My anger accelerated due to the the fact he was completely perplexed by the large chain connecting my wallet to my trousers. Is this some kinda belt he moronically said. No I replied, it's a chain to stop some crackhead from ganking my wallet you muppet.

He also decided to take the chain off me too, wanker. Fuck sake! He must of forseen my master plan. My plan was to actually bash to death (using my flask of rum) all the gun weilding guards and police officers, proceed to strangle the judge to death with my chain in front of 30 jury members then manage keep the army at bay while demanding and negotiating large sums of money to the police while simultaneously using a loud speaker to the scare media and public to death. Well, I presume the retarded guard thought this was a very plausible scenerio of events. I also am under the impression that he'd believe that a partially blind 80 year old woman with no fully functional limbs on a plane could Hijack the plane and slam it into a large building using only a single toe clipper.

After this bullshit I was ordered to go to the Jury lounge area and wait around for an an amount of time even a lazy budda would think of as unreasonable. My sanity was slowly dying. Eventually a prehistoric looking judge appeared in the room and gave the most uninspiring speech about the importance of our civil duty. We were all told to wait for further instuctions, brilliant. I sat there for hours reading my over 65's lesbian porno hidden inside my newspaper, I love reading porno in unusual locations but the dickheads around me were making it much less enjoyable as what I'm used to. Some old wrinkly kunt behind me who looked not too far from her expiry date (and thank goodness) was coughing more than an African with TB to my disgust, some guy who stank of shit was next to me playing awful trance/techno/dance music so loud in his head phone that I could hear every repetitive beat and some filthy asian couple were making it out like do on a Saturday night down a random alleyway.

As you can imagine violent thoughts started to enter my head quickly, granted, it doesn't take a great deal for reckless and violent thoughts to invade my mind and overwhelm me but I knew I had to stay my cool so I continued staring at my porno, perving at two great specimens in great delight- Edith from South Wales and Mary from North London to keep me sane.After a few hours of putting up with all this bullshit visuals, sounds and smells inside the room, the same moronic guard who disposessed me of my rum and chain came rushing in and informed us we could have a lunch break. For fucks sake, I was pondering whether there would be any trials today at all. I just sat there on my arse and waited patiently, at least there was less people to piss me off. Predictably after half an hour or so they came flocking back stinking the room out with hideous smells of onion and other vile smells which I could not give you an accurate source of. Someone came in a little later and read out a small list of names then informed us the rest of us could go home. I was not one of those names on the list, needless to say I went home very pissed off. Heres a short message to the justice system - Fuck you for wasting my time. Next time you ask me.... I'm informing you I've got a criminal record for espionage

I hate females (a mix of writing)

2006-08-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

Why are females so damn bitchy towards each other? If a girl sees a female specimen who happens to have bigger tits, a firmer ass or a prettier face its like they go on autopilot and get all two faced. I mean what the fuck is wrong with these shallow females? I know plenty of girls who in turn have female friends and guess what, they always slag each other off. There is nothing worse than listening to a sniveling little whiney whore complaining about emasculate problems. I can only pin this down to the fact girls are attention seeking bitches. Its a complete bitch fest, a mixture of pointless drama and emotional break downs which I'm sick of hearing about.

It reminds me of what Metallica have morphed into these past few years (off topic). Yesterday, I watched some shitty program which was so pathetic I had to turn it off then punch myself several times. It showed Metallica sitting in a room with a wimpy psychologist telling them how they feel. The old metallica would of told him to fuck off and shove a bottle of Vodka up his nose but this new age nu-metal Metallica were sitting there female like - teary eyes speaking about their deepest feelings. I know why Jason Newsted left Metallica now, he couldn't be arsed with this sort of bullshit. He wanted to thrash his guitar around yet the other members just wanted to exchange tampons and speak about their feelings.

Anyway I don't really know whats wrong with females or Metallica, they are unusual and pathetic creatures. People don't solve their problems by being so damn indecisive, crying and bitching. I mean this is how essentially real people solve their problems, people with balls. For all the whiney whores out there please take note.

Man 1: Hey dickhead! I heard you were saying shit about me
Man 2: Yeh and what are you gonna do about it buddy
Man 1: Get outside and we'll see what I'm gonna do! Fight ensues and both fight courageously, teeth are knocked out and blood is every where. They then help each other off the floor and embrace.
Man 1: Hey, great fight bro
Man 2: You too, sorry for speaking shit about you
Man 1: Yeh don't worry about it. Lets go back in the pub and I'll buy you a drink.
Man 2: No hard feelings right?
Man 1: Nah, forget about it

This is how it works in the real world, I've punched someone in a pub before and I actually let the guy wipe the blood clean with my sock then he bought me a drink and we had a good time. Holding grudges and bitching all the time gets you no where. Start getting drunk and beating this shit out of each other instead of running around crying starting drama, you might get some sense knocked into you. Maybe even grow some balls into you weak and pathetic creatures.

Another thing.... I hate females... lets add some more bullshit from my mind over the years. How should I start? They are fickle animals and I personally really hate them. I've owned girl friends before in the past and they were useless vile creatures so I decided to release them back into the wild where they belong.

As you can imagine no woman can really put up with my temper, I usually start hitting them after my patience starts to wear thin after having to listen to their constant whining and moaning about nonsensical problems.

No real agenda or no real problem yet lots of constant whining, this is the equation to what woman actually are in their simpliest form. Any romantic relationship is pointless at best. The amount of shit you have to do for the entire mating process (if you're interested) is like jumping through a fucking hoop.

Yeah. I'll jump into my black BMW to impress you, act like an arrogant cock, go meet your parents and then proceed to take you out for a fucking meal so I can bend you over like the little pig faced whore you are just so you can infect me with STD's and just so I can turn you into a double digit statistic afterwards to impress my friends.

No, I'm not intertested in that sort of shit. So what do you do about Sex then dude? Fuck sex, sex bores the hell out of me, last time I've had sex I've ended up violently headbutting her/it in the tits repeatidly through sheer frustration. It was great no snotty tears good bye, no more "just friends", she just got up and left. Sex is merely a subconscious act of proliferating one's own genes to help bestow even more pointless humans onto this earth. I'm far too angry to possess any sort of sex drive these days.

Woman are a complete mystery, I mean look at the way they blame us for not putting the toilet seat down after taking a piss,do they walk into supermarkets backwards too?

Another thing with these useless and shallow woman, why on earth do they take 2 rolls of toilet paper into the toilet and come out with non? How much shitting are they doing in there?

Personally, it is my belief that the are not doing much shitting in there, I mean I've fucked woman in the arse before and it wasn't that brown nor that big. Just what the fuck are you ladies doing in there? Sending decoded messages to world leaders by writing on toilet roll?

Lord knows What I do know though- is that woman suck.

Blahhh tomorrow I'm sending you why the Chef needs to start hitting his wife hard.

Greatness comes through alcohol

2006-08-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

I don't have a problem I'm sure I've told you before that I drink a lot! Just to measure how much I actually drink I've written down how much I've consumed over the past 3 days (tonight has only just started!). I don't tend to eat much on these binges, since all I need is a good liquid meal otherwise I'd be getting fat!

8 pack of Castlemain (500mil per can)
12 pack of Carling (500mil per can)
4 litres of white lightening cider
2 bottles of red wine
(750mil bottles)
1 bottle of Evan Williams Whiskey (500mil)

I'm thinking of donating my blood to the NHS so all those poor bastards in pain who need blood transfusions can get pissed from the high concentration of alcohol in my blood to make them a little happier. In a few years if I'm not dead, I'll be pissing alcohol! I got really annoyed last week though when I was ill. When I'm ill I like to drink heavily. You see it is my theory that since alcohol kills germs if I turn myself into a human oakbarrel I shall be completely cured! I do indeed realise that this arguement is nonsense but it is a good excuse to remain drunk without a guilty conscience. My illness last week would NOT allow me to hold any down. A beautiful shot of vodka would become a fit of projectile vomiting! I fucking hate throwing up under the circumstances that I don't deserve to do it, since I was completely sobar. Being an extremely subborn person what I am who possesses a brute like temper I refused to give in. I believe that If I could eventually hold down large amounts of alcohol over a short period of time I potentially could eventually get wrecked. I was determined! My spirit was more than willing to go that extra mile yet my body would not allow me to hold anything down for longer than 3 or 4 minutes. It became a battle, a maelstrom between mind and body which I was destined to lose. Courageous drinking (which George Best himself would of been proud of) became projectile vomitting over and over again.I'm not a prat, I'm not wasting any more alcohol. In a moment of silence I admitted defeat in my soliloquy.

While I'm on the subject of alcohol I think I'll tell you some good drink stories. My life is actually not fun packed anymore. In fact it's so incredibly dull in comparison what it used to be, since I've turned legal age I tend to stay at home a lot. Action packed days are a rarity (unless i regurgitate lost memories), sometimes when I go out on drug and alcohol runs something interesting happens, or if I use my imagination constructively to kill boredom. I don't tend to go out drinking with many of my old friends who like to get wasted and cause chaos, that was the good old days. Pretty much everything I write about here is caused by alcohol, big surprise I'm sure.

I'll start with some vomit stories-

I have on film an actual drive-by-vomiting. Myself and some dickheads who used to be cool were driving randomly around attempting to ease our hang overs. I suddenly felt that the contents of my stomach were going to be rocked out of my mouth, I told my friend to pull over. I leapt out of the car and vomited in someones drive way. In a matter of seconds I was finished and jumped back into the car. The driver then stomped on the pedal and we screeched off, much to my amusement I could see a shocked old lady looking out of the window looking at the present I had left her in her drive way chunky, black, sludgy beer and vodka vomit.I wouldn't want to be scraping that off a drive way!

I actually have around an hour and 30 minutes worth of drunk people puking on film which I have collected over the years, I'm quite proud of that too.

Once in Louth (some time back, when I was in high school!) some prat who I never really liked got so drunk we forced him to eat Pot noodles, well told him to for his own safety. I watched him chew the food yet somehow when he threw up 5 minutes later after devouring the food it came out completely unchewed and long. Exactly the same thing happened to me that night too, damned hilarious.

Another memory from my louth adventures, we were getting raging drunk on one of the parks. One idiot thought it would be funny to poke me in the stomach a large stick. I threw up the thickest vomit ever known to man. Everyone resisted not to throw up themselves, but the smell, sounds and terrible visuals made all of them lose it. It became a vicious chain reaction of painful vomiting time and time again which we couldn't prevent. We then decided to sit our arses on one of the benches after we had stopped this painful exercise, to our amusement a large dog saw the sick and went from pile to pule eating as much as it could. We then watched in awe as the dog trotted happily back to it's owner and licked it's owners face for a considerable amount of time.

I downed so much alcohol one time I threw up for almost 2 hours constantly and then passed out of the bathroom floor, I was in severe pain for nearly a week, I couldn't swallow anything.

Once I got so drunk and couldn't walk straight, I went into the bathroom and fell over face into the toilet chipping my teeth, the future of the UK lies here people.

I was getting hammered with some lads from the Grange last year and crashed out at one of their houses, when the guy woke up he was so pissed he had thrown up in his sleep and was covered in sick, him, his bed, the walls, everywhere, he was so hung over he couldn't be arsed to shower or clean it he just changed his shirt and went back to bed.

Often when I used to have morning classes at college I'd get a lift off one of my mates, I was so damn hung over and ill I'd be sick out of the window on the way to college.

We also used to play lots of drinking games to get completely slaughtered. One game was checkers, all the pieces were shot glasses and when you jumped the other player he had to do the shots. Often I was dueling with people who possessed as much intelligence as a pubic hair does, I'd win consistently so I got annoyed because I wasn't getting drunk. One night I forced them to change the rules slightly. The winner of each game would be given 3 minutes to down all the shots, for people who do not know how many pieces there is in a checkers game there is 12. The first time we played by this rule I went on a mission to get slaughtered, in a short amount of time I actually won 3 out of 3 games, thanks to this wonderful rule due to my innovation skills I was legless. I couldn't down all of the 4th and I needed to be sick, I didn't have time to run to the toilet let alone outside so I threw up in his mothers plant pot which was in the room. I can't remember the rest, apparently I kept speaking about UFO's all night.

Now some for public urination stories

I was walking back home after being at Toms, I was both high on drug and had consumed around 6 litres of cider. It was around 3 am I think, as I was walking home I spotted my neighbors car window still open (I hate the bastard), I was desperate for a piss so I pissed all in their car, I just couldn't resist.

This lad I knew was stupid enough to bring a 50cent CD round to my house, I knocked him out with vodka and when I managed to get extremely drunk got his CD, smashed it outside, lit it with petrol then pissed on it.

In the very old days when me and my friends were proper fucked, if someone had a piss outside you'd run up to them and push them over so they landed in their own piss.

Here is some stupid stories-

One night when we were hammered, more so than usual. Someone suggested stupidly that we bash out heads against a hardwood wooden stool. I don't know why we were doing it, or what we were trying to achieve but we spent a good hour slamming our heads into this thing. After rewatching the videos im surprised no one got severe concussion. We actually managed to crack the thing slightly but stopped when we realise we didn't have anywhere to place the beer onto.

One person who I know on Holiday got so raging drunk he purposely jumped into the swimming pool with cigs, a pager, his wallet, mp3 player and mobile phone still on him.... on two occasions within a week.

Once I ate a red paint ball to see if it would turn my piss red

Once I was so drunk I went into the wilderness for a shit and accidentally wiped my arse with nettles, yes it hurt

One time this guy who we all hated but put up with started bitching about the lack of cigarettes, after he had knocked himself out with whiskey we shoved the contents of the ashtray in his mouth and topped it off with mustard.

I remember being in some random scumy restaurant, lord knows why I went but I was to pissed to disagree. My friend fucked off and left me on my own because he wanted to speak to some girls, I was feeling antisocial so I decided to pelt him with tripe for bombing me out and to make him look a kunt, it worked too.

I passed out in the cinema when I saw Lord Of the Rings because I drank a bottle of rum in the car before the film. The last time I went to a film, I took a flask of vodka.

Helpful hints for aspiring stigmatists

2006-08-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

Do any of you losers want to be a saint? A living miracle? Are you completely and utterly stupid? Are you a sad Emo bastard craving for attention?

Well, Stigmata is the way forward for you as a true profession! Stigmata is pains, sores (basically injuries) which relate (by location) to the crucifixion of Jesus's wounds. Apparently this is a blessing from god if you have such wounds, at least to a deluded Christian. Before you go on your journey of becoming a Stigmatist I would love to give you some helpful hints and tips which shall help you through your path of lies and deceit so you can reach this goal of religious perfection.

BE A DAMN GOOD LIAR - to be a stigmatist you don't necessarily have to even put holes in yourself. If your too much of a damn pussie to do it you can simplylie about it it's called an invisible-stigmata, so you don't even need true visual evidence. St.Catherine of Sienna back in the 14C said she felt the agony of Jesus's crucifixion in her feet/hands yet she never b led. Tens of thousands of pricks actually believed this loony. Now to get good at lying it is common sense to practice, preferably do it infront of a large mirror and get fuking good at it. Practice all the sound effects like OUUCH OWOW and The wonderful blessing of Jesus's pain. You need those religious nuts to be totally convinced!!!

PREFERABLY OWN A VAGINA - Of course through history there have been many female Stigmatists in comparison to male specimens. Some idiots seem to believe that females are more open minded towards spiritualactivity because they are more emotionally sensitive. I think the truth is there for everyone to see plain and simple woman are actually damn good liars (see above) and crave for attention (see Emo above). Can you possibly think of better way for a female to get attention than to walk around wit h bleeding injuries? (Britney, I hope your reading this you attention seeking cow) If you don't own a vagina you could dress Emo, they tend to be the closest thing to a socially acceptable transsexual in this day and age. People won't know the difference if your wearing pink converse and cry all the time.

TAKE A BUCKET LOAD OF DRUGS FIRST- If your totally shit at lying then there is another way which will make any Christian believe your a true stigmatist as well as generally overall being much more convincing, drugs! Take a shit load of LSD, pills, coke or any other crazy/hard drug in ridiculous amounts (cough syrup is a good one most people don't know about, drink a few bottles and you'll be out of it). This will lead to very strange behaviour which religious nuts will take as religious hysteria. When you start crashing down off the high you must stare wildly staring at your hands and feet to make it look like you have no idea where your injuries came from. oh my whats this!? The touch of christ?! This will suck any catholic into believing you are genuine.

BE AROUND THE RIGHT IDIOTS- You have to be around the correct dickheads who are going to believe your a stigmata if you want to pull this off properly. This is why you preferably want to be around Catholics(these guys are complete tools, most of them are actually Irish remember) Catholics love to crave for attention and like to receive the pain of jesus. Catholics are also prone to believing bullshit, I mean the evidence is there for you they listen to the god damn pope everyday. Get yourself to the local Catholic chruch and make some good friends.

ACT APPROPRIATELY- To do this correctly you have to act all holy otherwise they aren't going to believe you. Act very fatigued constantly and bless every fucker you come across in the street, even if you don't like him just do it for effect. Tell deep/imaginative bullshit of how you saw visions of christ and the face of god, the Catholics will lap it up. You might want to practise this in the mirror also (see above)

GET THE HOLES HISTORICALLY CORRECT AND BE DEDICATED- Remember jesus was not nailed by the palm of his hands, crucifixion was actually between the small bones of our wrists. Get this correct otherwise even the most stupid Christian will scream fraud. You must also be very dedicated, possibly having to reinjury yourself every morning by driving a new nail into your wrist to make the wound look fresh and authentic. Good luck.

Well done! I hope you feel damn good about yourself you prick. you've managed to pull off a ludicrous stunt which has blessed you with all the attention you've ever wanted as well as making you a legend to Christianity and having an automatic ticket to heaven. Thanks to fuckers like you Catholicism can carry on with its corrupt agenda of robbing milllions of people too ridiculous to see what they actually are. Oh of course, and you've given them a damn good reason to start another car bombing campaign! You bastard!